My New Career Path

I frequently have quarter life crises’ that result in me eating a lot of carbs. Usually, these ‘meltdowns’ or as I like to call them, periods of enlightenment revolve around my future. I am a sophomore in college and am constantly in search of what everyone else wants: money and happiness. Hopefully those two aren’t mutually exclusive. In other words, I want to make a shit ton of money doing something I like. Since professional wine drinker is ruled out for obvious reasons (mainly, I just don’t know how to make people pay me for it), I searched ‘most fun jobs’ on google and here are some of the results:

But first, me trying to get my life together:

5341e88d40390ed13884a23b77f3ccd7.jpg

Wine Maker

Totally legit and right in my field of expertise. Except I know nothing about wine. My mom taught me to choose wine by how aesthetically pleasing the label is. Thanks mom. Screen Shot 2014-12-18 at 5.28.03 PM

Ferrari Driving Instructor

I could do this if more people trusted me with heavy machinery. Unfortunately, I’m really not the best driver. I’m the one who gets pulled over for driving too slow.

Screen Shot 2014-12-18 at 5.27.52 PM

Magician

No. I’m not creepy enough for this. I’m also not coordinated enough. No one would trust me to chop them in half with a saw while they’re inside a box.

Screen Shot 2014-12-18 at 5.28.15 PM

Chocolatier

HELL YES. I can see myself like those chefs on the Lindor truffle commercials twirling liquid chocolate and shit. The only down side is that I would put on a few lbs. WHATEVER BITCHES. I’m going to be a Chocolatier.

Screen Shot 2014-12-18 at 5.27.39 PM

IMG_7203

Sorry for Being a D-bag

I have been so terrible for not posting in like over 10 days, but finals are swallowing me whole. Like a shark. I’m getting swallowed alive by a shark and have to live in the shark’s belly for about 7 more days until I can start posting regularly again. Please forgive me. I promise to write another poem for you all. I created this wine-induced poem in my head about my unnatural affection toward my ugg boots that I will share with you after my finals are over. Until then, here is this amazing (more amazing if you’ve watched all 5 seasons of Breaking Bad) gif:

0d55a6c44dd0d873735171f4f56c1ccf

Happy Almost Eat Your Weight In Food Day

It’s almost time for the holiday where it’s socially acceptable to eat enough food to feed a small elephant.  Check out 13 fun ways to play with your food/piss off your parents who only get to see you twice a year: http://inventorspot.com/articles/13-fun-ways-play-your-food-thanksgiving

Also, don’t forget the wine!

f7e22227391fd1d6996d6c8bcc89cd5b

5f5d77fdd6424d206645575c1e6f0b2a-1

Motivational Monday

“Our greatest weakness lies in giving up. The most certain way to succeed is always to try just one more time.” – Thomas Edison

My greatest weakness seems to be GETTING up. The most certain way to succeed is to stay in bed a little bit longer and try one more time after the 15th ring of your alarm clock.

4a140ded94f7935d5df784c360058db4

Here’s how my Monday is going so far:

I took a freezing cold shower because, evidently, the water in the shower pipes has to run through Antarctica first before getting to me. After receiving frost bite on my entire body, I walked into my Personal Finance class a few minutes late just to be yelled at by a GUEST lecturer/speaker. My real professor did not even come to class. Maybe she was taking a WARM SHOWER. Anyway, after this man called on random students to answer his philosophical and meaningless questions regarding the world of money, he would scream WRONG every time a student did not answer correctly. When it was my turn to be called on, I strongly considered replying with “Lo siento. No hablo ingles,” which I am pretty certain means “I’m sorry, I don’t speak English,” in spanish. However, I quickly figured out that this would immediately back fire since I was in an all english speaking class and it would have been very hard for me to learn Personal Finance in english if I did not speak english. The question directed at me was “What is the value of money?” Again, in this short amount of time, I considered replying with “However much I get to spend at Starbucks.” And yet again, I quickly figured this would be a poor choice and would enable him to pick on me for the rest of the class. So, I simply replied “I don’t know.” This way, he couldn’t scream WRONG and I would not have to directly deal with his condescending tone and generally annoying demeanor. This strategy worked well and he did not call on me for the duration of the period. Lastly, right before I wrote this post, I went to Starbucks because I was disoriented from my cold shower and this 72 year old man talking to me like I was his disobedient granddaughter. In retrospect, I should have known not to stray too far from my usual drink, but since it was raining, I decided to get a hot drink that I basically made up. I ordered a chai tea latte with 3 shots of espresso and they forgot to add in the most important part of the whole goddamn drink: the espresso. Moral of the story is that I’m going to have to go back to Starbucks later and order another 3 shots of espresso.

0a51db57903e564d2540ff5707a059bb

41d3789b29b86ed526faf7fb52065cb6

My Super Cool Professor – Be Jealous

I am currently taking a class called Strategic Presentation in Online Methods. This is the class that made me create this blog in the first place so lucky you. Anyway, we all had to write a midterm analyzing aspects of our blog and the strategies used when appealing to our audience. My Professor was going over the language we used in our midterms and explained that our writing styles were sometimes too informal for a collegiate essay. In order to teach us how to write in an ‘expert’ voice, she used the following examples to grab our attention in class and I must say, it was a very effective strategy on her part. Please keep in mind that she came up with all of these examples and they speak for themselves in terms of how cool she is. Professor, if you’re reading this, (which she probably will since part of our grade revolves around our blogs) I am requesting an A in your class. Doesn’t hurt to ask right? Please keep in mind that these notes are taken from the exact word document she was using in class.

Colloquial Language: Slang/Terminology of a specific field

 Informal: My blog is about how people turn up in the club.

 Formal: My blog is about how people consume alcoholic beverages in social settings.

 or

This blog is written for people who consume alcoholic beverages in social settings and share their experiences on social media.

a5d7596fbb995f8c11c16552c9986643.jpg

 When you provide a critique, explain your position.

Informal: I went to a club on George Street that was ratchet and ridiculous. So I said, “Bye Felicia” and left for another club that was kray kray.

Formal: First, I must define ratchet in order to analyze my experience. According to Urbandictionary.com, ratchet means a diva mostly from urban cities who exaggerates inner-city behavior in social settings. However, my definition of ratchet is behaving inappropriately because anyone can be ratchet even my professor, Professor Shivers.

2a4685ce764ee3281dd05b993b27a8c1