Grandma got run over by… astrology?

So I spent Thanksgiving with my super entertaining grandparents who are in their late 60s and live in New Jersey in the middle of nowhere on a lagoon. My grandma is one of those people who kind of talks in a seemingly endless stream of consciousness, which is only interesting to me for the first few minutes of the car ride. Anyway, she is very into astrology and believes she can use it to tell the future to a certain extent. For those of you who aren’t in the loop about astrology a.k.a science for crazy people (not to be confused with scientology. I mostly just feel bad for scientologists. I won’t get into that right now for fear of offending people I deem nutty). Astrology is based off your horoscope. For example, I’m a Pisces and someone made up all sorts of personality traits and characteristics that people with certain signs tend to have. One of the reasons I think it’s a load of shit is because my sign says I’m shy. I AM NOT SHY BITCHES.

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Moving on. Essentially, everyone has their own astrological chart and it can be found on this database that my grandma has access to. I have no idea how this began or how she got into it. I can only assume it began with a mormon knocking on her door or a piece of mail that should have been disregarded entirely. So, we ordered a pizza and I asked her to read my astrology chart and tell me if anything cool and amazing is going to happen to me AND if I’m ever going to have my own personal chef at some point because that is very important to me. She began by telling me that I would have three husbands in the span of 12 years. First of all, I’m 19 and marriage does not sound appealing to me at all, so the fact that I am supposedly going to make this mistake three times sounds ludicrous to me. I couldn’t help thinking that she could be making it all up since the chart looks like gibberish to me and I can’t read it. It took all of my will power not to ask: “Grandma, are you bullshitting me right now?” But I stayed quiet because I needed to know if I was going to have a chef and children. And she doesn’t like it when I curse.

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She also mentioned that I will reach the the height of my career (which will have something to do with humor according to her) in about 6 years. I will also have three children. A chef was not mentioned.

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Here’s how I interpreted the gist of what she said: “You’re going to be a stand up comedian divorcee with a drinking problem, three kids, and will receive some kind of award when you’re about 25.”

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Somehow, this all sounds fine and dandy to me. You’re the best grandma!

Check Out My Article

Happy Friday fellow bloggers! I wrote this article for some college website and I get paid based on how many views it gets so a) you should read it because it’s kind of funny and b) you should read it because I get money and you like me remember?

Here it is in all its glory: http://www.greekrank.com/6-people-run-into-college-party/

Feel free to give me constructive criticism. Just know that I will hunt you down and annoy you for the rest of your life if your criticism hurts my feelings. Jk write whatever you want. But you’ve been warned.

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Sorry for Being a D-bag

I have been so terrible for not posting in like over 10 days, but finals are swallowing me whole. Like a shark. I’m getting swallowed alive by a shark and have to live in the shark’s belly for about 7 more days until I can start posting regularly again. Please forgive me. I promise to write another poem for you all. I created this wine-induced poem in my head about my unnatural affection toward my ugg boots that I will share with you after my finals are over. Until then, here is this amazing (more amazing if you’ve watched all 5 seasons of Breaking Bad) gif:

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Motivational Monday

It’s time for your favorite day to get a little bit funnier. Please smile/laugh…I can feel your depression from here:

“Opportunities don’t happen. You create them.” Chris Grosser

If you’re going to do this, please ‘create’ a job/opportunity where I get paid to test out hotel room service dessert.

“I have not failed. I’ve just found 10,000 ways that won’t work.” Thomas Edison

According to my professor, this rule doesn’t apply when you fail a midterm. You still fail.

Ok now I’m trying something new and I need some participation from my 101 Dalmatians. I mean followers. Whatever you people are to me. (Jk love u all). So I want you to put your own spin on the following quote in the comments and for the best comment, I’ll put a link to your blog on mine in my next post:

“Only put off until tomorrow what you are willing to die having left undone.” Pablo Picasso

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Productive Procrastination

I’m telling myself that I’m taking a break from studying. But I think the outside world calls it procrastination. So I’m sorry I lied again. My pants are totally on fire. I’m probably not going to be posting any less than usual. I’ve literally been inside all day, except when I went to one class and then went to Starbucks to get an iced-triple-grande-soy-caramel-macchiato. So in case you ever want to bring me Starbucks, just be aware that my drink will take three minutes to explain to the barrista. Anyway, other than those two isolated incidences, I have been cooped up in the “lounge” in my dorm. I put lounge in quotations because they’re trying to disguise our basement as something fancier than it is. Like when lean cuisine disguises itself as a gourmet meal. It is not a lounge and if I had a great-grandmother, this is what her house would feel like. Although, my sanity is diminishing, I now know a hell of a lot more about Consumer Media Culture than I did four hours ago. Just wanted to share some pics for #winewednesday even though I don’t have any wine to help me study!

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dream come true

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Also, I’m not sure what mulled wine is, but the picture makes it look like something I need, so here’s the recipe:

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http://www.gimmesomeoven.com/mulled-wine-recipe/

Wine for Dinner Makes You Fun-er

Hello friends. I’m going through a tough time right now so I will not be able to post as often. Yes, you guessed it. I have MIDTERMS. They’re mostly just until the end of this week so bare with me. If you miss me too much, keep harassing me through the comments section. Also, please send wine to help me take my exams. Or money. Or a male model with biceps as big as my face. Or a chocolate fountain with some strawberries on the side. Or a personal sushi chef who is originally from Japan.

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Happy Wine Wednesday <3<3