Surprise, surprise I haven’t been keeping up with any of my New Years Resolutions. Partly because I’ve temporarily misplaced the notebook that I wrote them in, but let’s be honest with myself…New Years Resolutions are there to remind you of how skinny you’re supposed to be.
But I’m here like:
My mom tried to tell me that the scale we have adds 10 pounds to your actual weight. I almost got excited and then she added “Well that’s what I tell myself anyway.” She’s self aware and delusional at the same time. But I don’t hold it against her because that’s how I approach dating. “He hasn’t called because he’s intimidated by how funny and awesome I am. Clearly.”
So while I was sitting on my ass (which is growing exponentially as the days go by) yesterday, I was watching “My Strange Addiction.” It’s one of those horrendous television shows on TLC that follows people with *gasp* strange addictions. I managed to squeeze in 4 or 5 episodes before I started to feel my IQ plummeting. I thought it was interesting that the show mainly featured women. Like why aren’t more men addicted to smelling moth balls? They were addicted to eating things like gasoline, cat treats, tire parts, and vapor rub. It really made me wonder how you begin an addiction like that. How does one discover that they enjoy drinking GASOLINE? The girl who drank gasoline was a 20 year old brunette whose face consistently mirrored the expression of a disinterested turtle. Even her crying face was super stoic and basically read ‘This intervention is yawn inducing. Where’s my gasoline bottle?’ She explained that she began her potentially fatal habit because she ‘always liked the smell of it.’ So one day she said to herself ‘well if it smells good, it must also taste good.’ I wonder what would happen if I applied the same logic and tried to eat humans that I thought smelled nice. Perhaps I could be featured on the show. I love both crazy and stupid people, but I would really prefer that they weren’t featured on television as often. As a form of protest, I have compiled a list of shows that should have never made it on TV:
My Strange Addiction (‘Watch Me Eat Weird Shit’)
Keeping Up with the Kardashians (also known as ‘First World Problems’ and ‘I Made a Really Good Sex Tape’)
The Honey Boo Boo Show (with the chubby people)
Jersey Shore (‘Orange People that Drink and Go to the Gym’)
Real World (‘Girls Making Out with Other Girls Occasionally’)
16 and Pregnant (‘They Don’t Have Condoms in the Midwest’)
Toddlers in Tiaras (‘The Opposite of Child Protective Services’)
I didn’t include My 600 Pound Life because I like watching it and it gives me a warm fuzzy feeling inside regarding my own weight. Also, it works as an appetite suppressant. Feel free to add to the list!
I frequently have quarter life crises’ that result in me eating a lot of carbs. Usually, these ‘meltdowns’ or as I like to call them, periods of enlightenment revolve around my future. I am a sophomore in college and am constantly in search of what everyone else wants: money and happiness. Hopefully those two aren’t mutually exclusive. In other words, I want to make a shit ton of money doing something I like. Since professional wine drinker is ruled out for obvious reasons (mainly, I just don’t know how to make people pay me for it), I searched ‘most fun jobs’ on google and here are some of the results:
But first, me trying to get my life together:
Totally legit and right in my field of expertise. Except I know nothing about wine. My mom taught me to choose wine by how aesthetically pleasing the label is. Thanks mom.
Ferrari Driving Instructor
I could do this if more people trusted me with heavy machinery. Unfortunately, I’m really not the best driver. I’m the one who gets pulled over for driving too slow.
No. I’m not creepy enough for this. I’m also not coordinated enough. No one would trust me to chop them in half with a saw while they’re inside a box.
HELL YES. I can see myself like those chefs on the Lindor truffle commercials twirling liquid chocolate and shit. The only down side is that I would put on a few lbs. WHATEVER BITCHES. I’m going to be a Chocolatier.
So I spent Thanksgiving with my super entertaining grandparents who are in their late 60s and live in New Jersey in the middle of nowhere on a lagoon. My grandma is one of those people who kind of talks in a seemingly endless stream of consciousness, which is only interesting to me for the first few minutes of the car ride. Anyway, she is very into astrology and believes she can use it to tell the future to a certain extent. For those of you who aren’t in the loop about astrology a.k.a science for crazy people (not to be confused with scientology. I mostly just feel bad for scientologists. I won’t get into that right now for fear of offending people I deem nutty). Astrology is based off your horoscope. For example, I’m a Pisces and someone made up all sorts of personality traits and characteristics that people with certain signs tend to have. One of the reasons I think it’s a load of shit is because my sign says I’m shy. I AM NOT SHY BITCHES.
Moving on. Essentially, everyone has their own astrological chart and it can be found on this database that my grandma has access to. I have no idea how this began or how she got into it. I can only assume it began with a mormon knocking on her door or a piece of mail that should have been disregarded entirely. So, we ordered a pizza and I asked her to read my astrology chart and tell me if anything cool and amazing is going to happen to me AND if I’m ever going to have my own personal chef at some point because that is very important to me. She began by telling me that I would have three husbands in the span of 12 years. First of all, I’m 19 and marriage does not sound appealing to me at all, so the fact that I am supposedly going to make this mistake three times sounds ludicrous to me. I couldn’t help thinking that she could be making it all up since the chart looks like gibberish to me and I can’t read it. It took all of my will power not to ask: “Grandma, are you bullshitting me right now?” But I stayed quiet because I needed to know if I was going to have a chef and children. And she doesn’t like it when I curse.
She also mentioned that I will reach the the height of my career (which will have something to do with humor according to her) in about 6 years. I will also have three children. A chef was not mentioned.
Here’s how I interpreted the gist of what she said: “You’re going to be a stand up comedian divorcee with a drinking problem, three kids, and will receive some kind of award when you’re about 25.”
Somehow, this all sounds fine and dandy to me. You’re the best grandma!
When you go into a final unprepared:
Hardcore scholarly research
Happy Friday fellow bloggers! I wrote this article for some college website and I get paid based on how many views it gets so a) you should read it because it’s kind of funny and b) you should read it because I get money and you like me remember?
Here it is in all its glory: http://www.greekrank.com/6-people-run-into-college-party/
Feel free to give me constructive criticism. Just know that I will hunt you down and annoy you for the rest of your life if your criticism hurts my feelings. Jk write whatever you want. But you’ve been warned.
It’s almost time for the holiday where it’s socially acceptable to eat enough food to feed a small elephant. Check out 13 fun ways to play with your food/piss off your parents who only get to see you twice a year: http://inventorspot.com/articles/13-fun-ways-play-your-food-thanksgiving
Also, don’t forget the wine!
Or wine wednesday.
I actually have wine for this wine wednesday but I broke the cork so I improvised (that’s a shot glass):
Am I innovative or what? I’m like Steve Jobs. I’ll be Samantha Jobs. Guess I’ll have to change the name of my blog.