I always go through other people’s stuff if the opportunity presents itself. Today was more fun than usual because I was going through my own stuff and I found a poem I wrote my first year of college for my creative writing class. It’s about dating and I completely made it up the night before I was supposed to read it in class. Disclaimer – this never happened to me (yet) Here it is in all its glory:
We sat down at the unoriginal Chinese restaurant
And I analyzed his appearance.
I was Picasso and he was a shitty painting.
I saw everything that needed to be fixed.
His brown hair was too short, but that would grow.
His nose was too narrow, but his blue eyes made up for that.
His head seemed a bit big for his body, but once we
Were married, I would make him go to the gym.
I thought I could get past his physical appearance,
But once he began to speak, I saw that his ultimate
Downfall was everything that came out of his mouth;
Including the occasional piece of rice.
By the time dessert came, I could hear his pants
Beginning to unbutton. He had consumed the
Amount of food necessary to feed a baby elephant.
But baby elephants are cute.
My mind was drifting toward laundry and world peace
When something he said captured my diminishing attention.
It felt like a combination of eating cake and having sex.
Our kids would be decent looking and I would get to quit
My job. I looked at his round belly and his uneven beard.
Baby elephants are cute.
I also vaguely remember writing a poem personifying vodka, so I’ll try to dig up that one soon.