The Vagina Monologues

I am not an actress. I prefer writing over most things (aside from sleeping, eating and dressing my dog up in cute outfits). The last time I remember auditioning for any sort of play was in the 8th grade. I auditioned for Beauty and the Beast and got the role of the semi-slutty feather duster with a french accent. It was a fun experience, but not one that I think about often. Recently, I saw that my school was having auditions for a play called the Vagina Monologues. Keep in mind that I have not actually ever seen the play in its entirety. I took a wild guess that it was about vaginas and I think vaginas are super cool. After all, that’s most likely how you came into existence, unless the stork played a large role in your birth and Santa still brings you presents. I was feeling particularly spontaneous one night and needed some good material for my blog since I’ve been MIA for most of the semester. (Once again, if anyone wants to pay me to write these posts, I will gladly drop out of college. The offer will stand until I graduate. And maybe after that.) I walked into the auditions similar to the way I imagine a man in a business suit walks into a strip club: excited, confused and ready to see vaginas.

tumblr_inline_mkw0trzIWl1qz4rgp

I was number 56 – though I did envision myself being number 69 since I thought that would be fitting. I sat down to fill out a questionnaire and choose the monologue I would be auditioning with. The first few questions were basic: name, email, etc. Then it asked if I had any acting experience. I figured being a tour guide would help me a little more than putting ‘none whatsoever,’ so I talked about how I was comfortable in front of decently large audiences. The following two questions were ones that I had never asked myself: 1) If your vagina could talk, what would it say in three words? 2) If your vagina got dressed, what would it wear?

Why had I never thought about this before? Clearly she has feelings too. For the first question I answered:

I love tati.

For the second question I answered:

A crown, FOR SHE IS QUEEN

tumblr_m21uzwwaBT1roifm2o2_r1_500

For the following hour, I rehearsed my monologue (like a goddamn pro). There were three monologues to choose from. The first one was half serious/half funny, the second one was all funny and the third was all serious. Knowing myself, I knew I would royally fuck up anything that was meant to be serious. I decided to go with the funny one. It was about a female sex worker/dominatrix who only dominated other women. She was someone I could see myself going to Starbucks with occasionally and I liked that about her.

tumblr_mtjy6kJ5YJ1qz581wo1_500

I awkwardly walked into the classroom and was greeted by four directors. They were all super friendly and told me I could begin whenever I felt comfortable. Comfortable was a strong word to use in this particular situation. I knew if I didn’t mentally yell at myself to start the first line, it would never happen:

I love vaginas.

After I got the first line out, the rest was easy to recite. The whole audition itself is a blur, but I know for a fact that I looked into each of the directors’ eyes and made a noticeable hand job motion when I was forced to use the word ‘dildo.’ I felt like this was the best way to make a lasting impression.

And it worked. I have now been cast in the vagina monologues as woman #3. *Drops mic and walks out.*

giphy

How to Trap a Guy in 10 Ways

Alllllll the single ladies: In honor of Valentine’s Day, I’ve compiled a ‘Cosmo-esque’ list of sure-fire ways to trap the guy you’re ‘kind of seeing’ and make him your official boyfriend and/or husband depending on how ambitious you are. You’re welcome.

10) “Of course I want to play Mario Cart with you!”

the-best

In order to pull this off effectively, you should probably learn how to play the actual game or any video game really. He won’t be able to resist your shared love of video games. This will also ensure that he will spend more time with you since this is what he does when you leave.

9) “Rooting for your fantasy football team babe”

giphy-2

You don’t have to know the names of anyone on the actual team. However if you want to go the extra mile, learn how fantasy football works and throw some terms around every once and a while: “show that wide receiver whose boss!” “Nice auction draft.” He will appreciate your support in this extremely important imaginary game.

8) “Three some? Count me in!”

giphy-1

You’re probably in college and it’s time to experiment anyway. What could be a better Valentine’s Day surprise than adding another equally or less attractive female to the mix?

7) “I organized your snapback collection.”

tumblr_mewtdaPzWe1r9alaeo1_500

Boys don’t know how to arrange shit. That’s where you come in and organize your future man’s super cool snapback hat collection. Feel free to arrange by color, logo and/or according to D-bag level (scaled from 1-10).

6) “Beer is my favorite drink too”

Classy-Nina-Dobrev-Drinking-Some-Beer-Smiling-At-a-Bar

Beer is one of the keys to a man’s heart. There are only like two other keys, so take this one seriously. Sip it slowly and when he’s not looking, throw back the vodka shots you’ve been hiding in your purse.

5) “Please tell me about your gym routine”

giphy

Nod and smile. Look impressed. Nod and smile.

4) “I picked up this playboy magazine by accident at the store. Did you want it?”

got-game-of-thrones-30971723-500-250

He will be too excited to notice that you said you ‘accidentally’ picked up borderline porn. He will not care how you acquired the magazine. However, he will think of you as that really cool girl who got him porn. Also, another great Valentine’s Day gift.

3) “Yes, you should definitely get a motorcycle.”

tumblr_mjb1fxzs9l1qdvxb9o1_500

Motorcycles are actually very expensive and require a lot of effort to maintain, so he will most likely never get one. Agree to ride it and fantasize about it with him. He will appreciate the support.

2) “What a cool tribal tattoo!”

tumblr_m6t3q9xbG41rz6f0wo1_500

Whatever you do, do not ask what tribe he is from. You will surely confuse him and ruin the plan! You must compliment the tattoos, even if they make no sense to you or anyone else for that matter.

1) “Your haircut looks really good.”

Hot-gir-reaction-gif

There is a formally written rule somewhere in the boy code handbook that states: “you must cut your hair 3 inches too short each time you get your hair cut.” Go along with it. It’ll grow to a nice length in like two weeks and then history will repeat itself and they’ll do it again and again. This is something you will need to get used to.

Having Fun with Google

Although this isn’t something that bothers me regularly, I have always had a fear of someone viewing my internet history. It’s usually comprised of highly idiotic google searches (i.e. do dolphins have nostrils? or can I mix benodryl with vodka?) But sometimes I search things that would make me look criminally insane if seen out of context or without an explanation. So to address my fear and for your entertainment, I have decided to explain my internet history and google searches from earlier this week:

“Shia LaBeouf” Life – Rob Cantor

This video is actually hysterical and I highly recommend watching it. I was trying to show it to my sister. She didn’t end up understanding why I thought it was funny. She’s clearly not as funny as I think I am.

Screen_Shot_2014-11-05_at_3.35.06_PM.png

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o0u4M6vppCI

Putting Butter in Your Coffee

I searched this because I was at my friend’s house and he was making coffee. He was all “taste this.” I tasted it and it tasted different than normal coffee, but I didn’t think anything of it. Then he asked me if I liked it and I said yes. I was skeptical of his facial expression so I asked what he put in it and he told me he added butter instead of creamer or milk, so I searched it on google to see if this was his idea or if it was already a thing in the real world. It’s a thing. A disgusting sounding thing.

post-26182-kristin-wiig-disgusted-animate-hTu2

Plaid Skirt

I have no idea why I searched this. I don’t even want a plaid skirt.

whatkindofgirl

Karen Kilgariff

I went to a comedy show when I was in Los Angeles for Winter Break and she was one of the comedians. SHE’S HILARIOUS. I was trying to find her twitter and located it successfully. Cha – Ching!

karen_featured_photo_gallery

How does Stephen Hawking have sex?

My mom and I had just finished watching “The Theory of Everything.” She wondered aloud how he and his wife had sex (since they popped out like 8 kids), so I googled it. Not going to spoil this one for you.

canigetpregnantfromthis

‘Friends’ Theme Song Lyrics

I have been watching ‘Friends’ religiously and whenever I would sing along to the theme song, there was always one line that I couldn’t understand. It was the line that says “Your job’s a joke, you’re broke, your love life’s DOA.” I didn’t understand the DOA part, so I had been making up different words that sounded similar to DOA until I googled the lyrics. That’s how I learned that DOA stands for Dead on Arrival — which, by the way, is not a good adjective for your love life. (but happy almost valentine’s day)

tumblr_nighplmBtC1tiy2sbo1_500

Is Benadryl Stronger Than Nyquil 

I got sick and was trying to find a drug that would knock me out for 8 hours straight since I kept waking up not being able to breathe in the middle of the night. Benadryl is the way to go.

26

Utero 

I wanted to tweet “I’m not fat, I ate my twin in utero.” But I kept spelling it ‘eutero’ and didn’t understand why my phone said I was spelling it wrong. Now I understand, but my IQ is just as low as it was before I learned that.

giphy-2

Caviar

I was trying to order sushi and the menu said the ‘crazy roll’ had caviar on it, but for some reason I kept picturing calamari and didn’t fully comprehend how that would fit into the sushi roll that I wanted. Caviar are those little orange balls that don’t taste like anything. They put them on top of sushi to make it look pretty (I assume). I’m not sure what the point of caviar is. I guess I’ll google it later.

P.S. I’m considering dropping out of school to be a sushi chef. That way, I won’t have to wait 45 minutes for someone to bring it to me.

sushii

what bitch? I’m ready.

Nixer Mixers: The Top 10 Drinking Dangers

I stumbled upon this article because I was trying to determine if it would be a poor choice to mix alcohol with Sudafed (I had a cold. But that generally doesn’t prevent me from attending parties). Just so you know, you totally can and nothing bad will happen. However, you’re only allowed to buy a certain amount at a time since you can go all Walter White and make meth with it.

82509-Walter-White-Jesse-Pinkman-yel-pGds

Jennifer Anniston’s Workout

I was watching ‘Friends’ again and trying to figure out how to get my arms to look like Jennifer Anniston’s. Her bod is perfection.

large

Street Names of Cocaine

Let’s get something straight – I don’t associate with drugs of any kind. However, since I’m in college, I figured it would be helpful to know the street names of common collegiate drugs. Here are some of the code names for cocaine: Nose Candy, Snow, White Pony, Crack (which isn’t very conspicuous if you ask me).

tumblr_n2c4qa96vf1r72p6mo1_500

Calories in Fried Oreo

I ate three fried oreos last night and was trying to figure out if I had to go to the gym or not. I didn’t end up going to the gym, but it was well over 300 calories that went straight to my thighs.

giphy-1

Tune in next time to read about my google searches regarding valentine’s day drinking games! ❤

Protesting Against Stupid People Who Get to be on TV

Surprise, surprise I haven’t been keeping up with any of my New Years Resolutions. Partly because I’ve temporarily misplaced the notebook that I wrote them in, but let’s be honest with myself…New Years Resolutions are there to remind you of how skinny you’re supposed to be.

But I’m here like:

200_s

My mom tried to tell me that the scale we have adds 10 pounds to your actual weight. I almost got excited and then she added “Well that’s what I tell myself anyway.” She’s self aware and delusional at the same time. But I don’t hold it against her because that’s how I approach dating. “He hasn’t called because he’s intimidated by how funny and awesome I am. Clearly.”

Im-kind-of-a-big-deal

So while I was sitting on my ass (which is growing exponentially as the days go by) yesterday, I was watching “My Strange Addiction.” It’s one of those horrendous television shows on TLC that follows people with *gasp* strange addictions. I managed to squeeze in 4 or 5 episodes before I started to feel my IQ plummeting. I thought it was interesting that the show mainly featured women. Like why aren’t more men addicted to smelling moth balls? They were addicted to eating things like gasoline, cat treats, tire parts, and vapor rub. It really made me wonder how you begin an addiction like that. How does one discover that they enjoy drinking GASOLINE? The girl who drank gasoline was a 20 year old brunette whose face consistently mirrored the expression of a disinterested turtle. Even her crying face was super stoic and basically read ‘This intervention is yawn inducing. Where’s my gasoline bottle?’ She explained that she began her potentially fatal habit because she ‘always liked the smell of it.’ So one day she said to herself ‘well if it smells good, it must also taste good.’ I wonder what would happen if I applied the same logic and tried to eat humans that I thought smelled nice. Perhaps I could be featured on the show. I love both crazy and stupid people, but I would really prefer that they weren’t featured on television as often. As a form of protest, I have compiled a list of shows that should have never made it on TV:

My Strange Addiction (‘Watch Me Eat Weird Shit’)

Keeping Up with the Kardashians (also known as ‘First World Problems’ and ‘I Made a Really Good Sex Tape’)

The Honey Boo Boo Show (with the chubby people)

Jersey Shore (‘Orange People that Drink and Go to the Gym’)

Real World (‘Girls Making Out with Other Girls Occasionally’)

16 and Pregnant (‘They Don’t Have Condoms in the Midwest’)

Toddlers in Tiaras (‘The Opposite of Child Protective Services’)

I didn’t include My 600 Pound Life because I like watching it and it gives me a warm fuzzy feeling inside regarding my own weight. Also, it works as an appetite suppressant. Feel free to add to the list!

635498637932105913-1622477129_large

My Idea of Poetry

I always go through other people’s stuff if the opportunity presents itself. Today was more fun than usual because I was going through my own stuff and I found a poem I wrote my first year of college for my creative writing class. It’s about dating and I completely made it up the night before I was supposed to read it in class. Disclaimer – this never happened to me (yet) Here it is in all its glory:

Blind Date

We sat down at the unoriginal Chinese restaurant

And I analyzed his appearance.

I was Picasso and he was a shitty painting.

I saw everything that needed to be fixed.

His brown hair was too short, but that would grow.

His nose was too narrow, but his blue eyes made up for that.

His head seemed a bit big for his body, but once we

Were married, I would make him go to the gym.

I thought I could get past his physical appearance,

But once he began to speak, I saw that his ultimate

Downfall was everything that came out of his mouth;

Including the occasional piece of rice.

By the time dessert came, I could hear his pants

Beginning to unbutton. He had consumed the

Amount of food necessary to feed a baby elephant.

But baby elephants are cute.

My mind was drifting toward laundry and world peace

When something he said captured my diminishing attention.

C.E.O.

It felt like a combination of eating cake and having sex.

Our kids would be decent looking and I would get to quit

My job. I looked at his round belly and his uneven beard.

Baby elephants are cute.

if-you-dont-want-to-date-me-thats-fine

I also vaguely remember writing a poem personifying vodka, so I’ll try to dig up that one soon.

Procrastinating on My Resolutions

If I’m not mistaken, January is the month when everyone is fulfilling their new years resolutions easily and proudly. Once February hits, it all goes back to normal and the gym is less crowded (thank God). Somehow I’m managing to do the opposite. In my defense, it is winter break for me since I’m still an undergraduate and I’ve been justifying my laziness with the GPA I got this semester and the good old “you’ve got plenty of time” or “diet starts tomorrow.” Since I received a 3.8 this semester, I have informed my mother that my drinking habits will remain the same.

024e9675fdf165fff78ed80927501d58

Although I’m on break, I’m supposed to be filling out applications and writing for websites and all that good stuff, but instead, I’ve been talking to my dog and taking her for walks 8 times a day, going through my entire computer, watching awful movies and eating enough to feed a small family. Let me explain the awful movies thing really quick. Once I start a movie, I have to finish it and see how it ends. They usually have horrendous endings. I finished the movie Labor Day yesterday and it ended just as terribly as it began. At least they’re consistent.

200_s

Naturally, Starbucks has become by significant other and I like to visit him twice a day, like a good girlfriend should.

455c9481ea36292331baa2dd5d6ad816df6ca63d01ca7a728666d46c74e26305

BUT TODAY IS THE DAY! I refuse to break up with Starbucks, but I’m going to go read my resolutions and do whatever they tell me to do. But first I’m going to walk my dog for only the second time today and tell her how pretty she is.

My dog happily wearing a small sombrero.

My dog happily wearing a small sombrero.

On a completely irrelevant note, my sister took my car so I can’t exactly go anywhere at the moment. This will inevitably help me blog more which is one of my resolutions. You’re welcome bitches.

IMG_0397

You’re Welcome in Advance

To say my family is unconventional is a tremendous understatement. It’s kind of like saying  Angelina Jolie is “cute.” We are extremely unconventional. OR conventionally challenged. To me, conventional means having the white picket fence, mom, dad, kids, dog, butler and MAYBE chef. This family is the epitome of the proper American family. They hang out all the time and their biggest problem is that their dog still shits in the house and refuses to be potty trained. My parents separated when I was 3, but had never been married (I was kind of the best unplanned accident that ever happened to them). I’m extremely close with my mom and she tells me everything. Recently, she has decided she should put herself out there and start dating more. She’s beautiful, smart and hilarious. However, she is difficult to date and seems to attract a lot of odd/entertaining men, which is fine because now I can blog about more shit that I think is funny.

funny-movie-movie-phrases-movie-quotes-Favim.com-607674.jpg

She has been using OK Cupid and Tinder for the most part because they’re easy and more people are on them. I think those two are the easiest to navigate because when I was like 15 I thought it would be funny to make an E-Harmony profile, but I failed to realize their questionnaire is as long and complicated as the Bible. So there is a half assed, half filled out E-Harmony profile somewhere out there with my fake name on it. OK Cupid and Tinder are much easier, so she uses those. She has not actually gone out with anyone yet, but she has been texting this funny 45 year old man named Jeff. I asked to see his profile and most of his pictures consist of him either fully naked or half naked in various places around the world. Don’t worry, he covers up his man parts, but that doesn’t ease the shock and mild confusion of seeing any 45 year old man naked. I find this brave on his part because these pictures serve to elicit laughter, however, the idea of anyone laughing at me while I’m naked makes me want to wear every sweater I’ve ever seen. Kudos to you Jeff.

life_story_344571

I took my mom’s phone while she was driving and continued the conversation she was having with Jeff. I introduced myself and he told me about his pursuit of my mother. I encouraged him to pursue her, but first I needed a favor from him. Since, I am constantly looking for new and creative ways to market my blog to people because I’m needy and require a lot of attention (and for feedback from different kinds of people), I texted him “Follow my blog or we can’t be friends.” He followed my blog.

IMG_0532

 

So for those of you who are in similar situations and are trying to get more followers, don’t forget to steal your mom’s phone and ask strangers who are trying to date her to follow your blog. Worked like a charm!