What I Would Do with the Powerball Money

I’m sorry I haven’t blogged in a while, but let’s talk about being rich enough to buy Facebook (I’m not sure if that’s true, I’m just guessing)

Realistically, I’m certain that 99.9% of all humans would love to be rich. The .1% is reserved for the people who claim they would give most of it away to charity. Humble little shits. Ok I was kidding, calm down. Anyway, who doesn’t want to go to the mall and not have to say no to those $500 pair of jeans? And what about all the extra condiments that you can order with your food? Everyone wants extra condiments. After careful consideration, I have compiled a list of things I would do if I had won the Powerball (even though I didn’t buy a ticket due to lack of funding). Warning: almost none of it is considered charitable. It’s definitely charitable toward me though.

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1) Pay Amy Schumer to be my best friend

The reasoning behind this doesn’t take too much explaining, but the approach does. At first I would offer her a hefty sum to be my friend, and then slowly pay her less and less until she realizes she loves my personality and wants to be my best friend for free.

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2) Buy my own television show 

I would need to purchase the whole network so I could say whatever I want on my show, like Oprah. But let’s be honest, it’s just so I would be able to say the word ‘shit’ regularly.

3) Purchase a Trader Joe’s

Not only is Trader Joe’s my favorite grocery store, it also is located 5 minutes from my house. And I’m not sure if any of you have ever tried cookie butter, but it’s probably better than that time Channing Tatum put on a wig and danced to Beyonce’s “Run the World.”

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4) Start my own wine company with cool ass labels

Labels include “Hope your wedding night is as hot as George and Amal Clooney” and “Black out or back out.”

5) Hire a chef

…And naturally, I will hire a personal trainer shortly after.

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6) A THRONE

Once wealthiest beyond my wildest dreams, I would need something to remind everyone that walks into my bajillion dollar mansion. Hopefully the thrown comes with a crown as well.

7) Buy Victoria’s Secret 

…to find out what the goddamn secret is.

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I Hate Going to the Dentist

…and it’s not just because they get entirely too close to my face. Did I invite you to my barbecue? (no) Then why are you all up in my grill?

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I’ve been having temperature sensitivity pain with one of my teeth and my go-to strategy of hoping it would go away wasn’t working. So, I made the executive decision to make an appointment with a random dentist I found online. Also, chewing on the left side of your mouth makes eating so much less enjoyable. (On the bright side, I totally lost a pound). My first mistake was not checking this man’s yelp review:

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If you got a one star review from doing YOUR JOB, that’s probably a bad sign.

I arrived five minutes early for my appointment and immediately felt uncomfortable because the office appeared to be someone’s home from the outside. I walked in apprehensively and presented myself to the receptionist. She handed me some papers to fill out while I waited. I sat down and noticed a few magazines and toys for children. I promptly filled out the paperwork and handed them to the receptionist. She was older and married; and was probably oblivious to the yelp review I just found.

Whatever

A small man with gray hair and creepy eyes walked out to greet me and asked me to follow him into a room. He was nothing short of  an oompa-loompa minus the green hair. I wish he had had green hair; it would have been a more enjoyable visit. I greeted his dental assistant and sat down in an ugly green dental chair. The equipment seemed old and outdated. I peered around the room and couldn’t help but notice the uncanny resemblance to a serial killer’s torture basement. While I waited for Patrick Bateman to pop out with an ax or chain saw, the dentist (let’s call him Eugene) made small talk with me. I told Eugene that I major in Journalism and that I currently have an internship working for a small tech-start up in NYC. I briefly explained that I was the Content and Marketing intern for the founder of an iPhone app.

Everyone’s trying to make the next app…or whatever.”

Eugene was clearly jealous that my job is more fun than his, so I ignored his condescending tone and generally arrogant demeanor.

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So anyway, I got a cavity filled like three weeks ago and ever since then, my tooth has been really sensitive to cold and hot food and drinks.”

…I said, changing the subject back to why I was there in the first place. He poked around in my mouth and would continue to do this several times during the 25 minutes I was there. He asked me a few more general questions before deciding to take an x-ray. He came back while we waited for the x-ray and I asked him what he thought could be the problem.

Well worst case scenario, you’ll need a root canal.”

I nearly shit my pants. Who says ‘root canal’ that casually?

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He came back with the x-ray and spent 5 minutes looking at it before I asked if he saw anything odd. He didn’t see anything and came back to stick sharp objects in my mouth and tap the problem tooth. Eugene explained that I MIGHT need a root canal. Since he came to that conclusion so quickly, I asked why he thought this and if it could be something else. In so many words, he essentially said:

I don’t know, but you might need one.”

I felt like I knew less than I did before making this mistake of an appointment. He asked me if I wanted to see what the process of a root canal looked like with his superior-I’m-smarter-than-you-because-I-supposedly-have-a-dental-degree tone. He pulled out a picture book and explained the procedure to me, but I was too busy trying not to vomit and planning my escape.

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It could be from the filling that was put in to your tooth. So we can take that filling out, then put a different one in and see what happens. There’s no guarantee it’ll work though.”

I did not trust Eugene with a drill this early in our relationship that was quickly going downhill in my mind.

I don’t understand why the tooth in front of the one that got the filling hurts if the filling is the issue. Can you explain that to me?”

Eugene seemed puzzled when I threw this curve ball at him. I assumed he could tell the tooth that had the filling was different than the one I had pointed to. He poked around in my mouth some more and I finally decided he didn’t have a real D.D.S. Perhaps his career as a ventriloquist did not work out and he was left with dentistry. Either way, I needed to get out of this horrible office. I implied that I wanted a second opinion and got out of the chair quickly and narrowly avoiding ramming the top of my head into the light that was positioned above my face. Farewell, Eugene and may the Yelp reviews be ever in your favor (NOT).

Actual photo of me running away from Eugene.

Actual photo of me running away from Eugene.

 

You’re Welcome in Advance

To say my family is unconventional is a tremendous understatement. It’s kind of like saying  Angelina Jolie is “cute.” We are extremely unconventional. OR conventionally challenged. To me, conventional means having the white picket fence, mom, dad, kids, dog, butler and MAYBE chef. This family is the epitome of the proper American family. They hang out all the time and their biggest problem is that their dog still shits in the house and refuses to be potty trained. My parents separated when I was 3, but had never been married (I was kind of the best unplanned accident that ever happened to them). I’m extremely close with my mom and she tells me everything. Recently, she has decided she should put herself out there and start dating more. She’s beautiful, smart and hilarious. However, she is difficult to date and seems to attract a lot of odd/entertaining men, which is fine because now I can blog about more shit that I think is funny.

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She has been using OK Cupid and Tinder for the most part because they’re easy and more people are on them. I think those two are the easiest to navigate because when I was like 15 I thought it would be funny to make an E-Harmony profile, but I failed to realize their questionnaire is as long and complicated as the Bible. So there is a half assed, half filled out E-Harmony profile somewhere out there with my fake name on it. OK Cupid and Tinder are much easier, so she uses those. She has not actually gone out with anyone yet, but she has been texting this funny 45 year old man named Jeff. I asked to see his profile and most of his pictures consist of him either fully naked or half naked in various places around the world. Don’t worry, he covers up his man parts, but that doesn’t ease the shock and mild confusion of seeing any 45 year old man naked. I find this brave on his part because these pictures serve to elicit laughter, however, the idea of anyone laughing at me while I’m naked makes me want to wear every sweater I’ve ever seen. Kudos to you Jeff.

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I took my mom’s phone while she was driving and continued the conversation she was having with Jeff. I introduced myself and he told me about his pursuit of my mother. I encouraged him to pursue her, but first I needed a favor from him. Since, I am constantly looking for new and creative ways to market my blog to people because I’m needy and require a lot of attention (and for feedback from different kinds of people), I texted him “Follow my blog or we can’t be friends.” He followed my blog.

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So for those of you who are in similar situations and are trying to get more followers, don’t forget to steal your mom’s phone and ask strangers who are trying to date her to follow your blog. Worked like a charm!

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Or dedicated. Whatever. Anyway, I’m in love with this new backpack I got for school and needed to share it with you all immediately. It is certainly no coincidence that my header is the same picture. I was thinking that when people compliment me on my super cool backpack, I could sneak my blog into the conversation fairly quickly. I know what you’re thinking. “Wow Tati, you’re so innovative. And cunning. And smart. And popular. And have great hair. And shouldn’t have to do homework anymore ever.” Well, school disagrees with you so you should write them a strongly worded letter….or several.

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