Grandma got run over by… astrology?

So I spent Thanksgiving with my super entertaining grandparents who are in their late 60s and live in New Jersey in the middle of nowhere on a lagoon. My grandma is one of those people who kind of talks in a seemingly endless stream of consciousness, which is only interesting to me for the first few minutes of the car ride. Anyway, she is very into astrology and believes she can use it to tell the future to a certain extent. For those of you who aren’t in the loop about astrology a.k.a science for crazy people (not to be confused with scientology. I mostly just feel bad for scientologists. I won’t get into that right now for fear of offending people I deem nutty). Astrology is based off your horoscope. For example, I’m a Pisces and someone made up all sorts of personality traits and characteristics that people with certain signs tend to have. One of the reasons I think it’s a load of shit is because my sign says I’m shy. I AM NOT SHY BITCHES.

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Moving on. Essentially, everyone has their own astrological chart and it can be found on this database that my grandma has access to. I have no idea how this began or how she got into it. I can only assume it began with a mormon knocking on her door or a piece of mail that should have been disregarded entirely. So, we ordered a pizza and I asked her to read my astrology chart and tell me if anything cool and amazing is going to happen to me AND if I’m ever going to have my own personal chef at some point because that is very important to me. She began by telling me that I would have three husbands in the span of 12 years. First of all, I’m 19 and marriage does not sound appealing to me at all, so the fact that I am supposedly going to make this mistake three times sounds ludicrous to me. I couldn’t help thinking that she could be making it all up since the chart looks like gibberish to me and I can’t read it. It took all of my will power not to ask: “Grandma, are you bullshitting me right now?” But I stayed quiet because I needed to know if I was going to have a chef and children. And she doesn’t like it when I curse.

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She also mentioned that I will reach the the height of my career (which will have something to do with humor according to her) in about 6 years. I will also have three children. A chef was not mentioned.

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Here’s how I interpreted the gist of what she said: “You’re going to be a stand up comedian divorcee with a drinking problem, three kids, and will receive some kind of award when you’re about 25.”

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Somehow, this all sounds fine and dandy to me. You’re the best grandma!

Check Out My Article

Happy Friday fellow bloggers! I wrote this article for some college website and I get paid based on how many views it gets so a) you should read it because it’s kind of funny and b) you should read it because I get money and you like me remember?

Here it is in all its glory: http://www.greekrank.com/6-people-run-into-college-party/

Feel free to give me constructive criticism. Just know that I will hunt you down and annoy you for the rest of your life if your criticism hurts my feelings. Jk write whatever you want. But you’ve been warned.

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Sorry for Being a D-bag

I have been so terrible for not posting in like over 10 days, but finals are swallowing me whole. Like a shark. I’m getting swallowed alive by a shark and have to live in the shark’s belly for about 7 more days until I can start posting regularly again. Please forgive me. I promise to write another poem for you all. I created this wine-induced poem in my head about my unnatural affection toward my ugg boots that I will share with you after my finals are over. Until then, here is this amazing (more amazing if you’ve watched all 5 seasons of Breaking Bad) gif:

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Happy Almost Eat Your Weight In Food Day

It’s almost time for the holiday where it’s socially acceptable to eat enough food to feed a small elephant.  Check out 13 fun ways to play with your food/piss off your parents who only get to see you twice a year: http://inventorspot.com/articles/13-fun-ways-play-your-food-thanksgiving

Also, don’t forget the wine!

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First Follower to Bring Me Food Gets…

Nothing. You should bring me edible things out of the kindness of your heart. Specifically this pizza. Or you can donate to the Tati-Wants-A-Pizza Foundation. All donations are welcome and every Tati is guaranteed a pizza since there’s only one of us. Think of me next time you go grocery shopping!

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Motivational Monday

“Our greatest weakness lies in giving up. The most certain way to succeed is always to try just one more time.” – Thomas Edison

My greatest weakness seems to be GETTING up. The most certain way to succeed is to stay in bed a little bit longer and try one more time after the 15th ring of your alarm clock.

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Here’s how my Monday is going so far:

I took a freezing cold shower because, evidently, the water in the shower pipes has to run through Antarctica first before getting to me. After receiving frost bite on my entire body, I walked into my Personal Finance class a few minutes late just to be yelled at by a GUEST lecturer/speaker. My real professor did not even come to class. Maybe she was taking a WARM SHOWER. Anyway, after this man called on random students to answer his philosophical and meaningless questions regarding the world of money, he would scream WRONG every time a student did not answer correctly. When it was my turn to be called on, I strongly considered replying with “Lo siento. No hablo ingles,” which I am pretty certain means “I’m sorry, I don’t speak English,” in spanish. However, I quickly figured out that this would immediately back fire since I was in an all english speaking class and it would have been very hard for me to learn Personal Finance in english if I did not speak english. The question directed at me was “What is the value of money?” Again, in this short amount of time, I considered replying with “However much I get to spend at Starbucks.” And yet again, I quickly figured this would be a poor choice and would enable him to pick on me for the rest of the class. So, I simply replied “I don’t know.” This way, he couldn’t scream WRONG and I would not have to directly deal with his condescending tone and generally annoying demeanor. This strategy worked well and he did not call on me for the duration of the period. Lastly, right before I wrote this post, I went to Starbucks because I was disoriented from my cold shower and this 72 year old man talking to me like I was his disobedient granddaughter. In retrospect, I should have known not to stray too far from my usual drink, but since it was raining, I decided to get a hot drink that I basically made up. I ordered a chai tea latte with 3 shots of espresso and they forgot to add in the most important part of the whole goddamn drink: the espresso. Moral of the story is that I’m going to have to go back to Starbucks later and order another 3 shots of espresso.

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My Super Cool Professor – Be Jealous

I am currently taking a class called Strategic Presentation in Online Methods. This is the class that made me create this blog in the first place so lucky you. Anyway, we all had to write a midterm analyzing aspects of our blog and the strategies used when appealing to our audience. My Professor was going over the language we used in our midterms and explained that our writing styles were sometimes too informal for a collegiate essay. In order to teach us how to write in an ‘expert’ voice, she used the following examples to grab our attention in class and I must say, it was a very effective strategy on her part. Please keep in mind that she came up with all of these examples and they speak for themselves in terms of how cool she is. Professor, if you’re reading this, (which she probably will since part of our grade revolves around our blogs) I am requesting an A in your class. Doesn’t hurt to ask right? Please keep in mind that these notes are taken from the exact word document she was using in class.

Colloquial Language: Slang/Terminology of a specific field

 Informal: My blog is about how people turn up in the club.

 Formal: My blog is about how people consume alcoholic beverages in social settings.

 or

This blog is written for people who consume alcoholic beverages in social settings and share their experiences on social media.

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 When you provide a critique, explain your position.

Informal: I went to a club on George Street that was ratchet and ridiculous. So I said, “Bye Felicia” and left for another club that was kray kray.

Formal: First, I must define ratchet in order to analyze my experience. According to Urbandictionary.com, ratchet means a diva mostly from urban cities who exaggerates inner-city behavior in social settings. However, my definition of ratchet is behaving inappropriately because anyone can be ratchet even my professor, Professor Shivers.

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