I Love You Like I Love Bowling

*This one’s a little long and if you really love me you’ll read the whole thing*

Chris and I have been together since February. Since a lot of our friends went home for the summer, we have to keep busy and try not to kill each other. So far, we’ve done a phenomenal job. We go to the movies, attend Yankees games, play connect 4 etc. However, the most exciting experience we’ve had so far (in my opinion) was when we went bowling. We pre-gamed, as you always should before doing something like bowling, brought some liquor with us in a black thermos and much to our delight, they served beer at the bowling alley by the pitcher.

I walked up to the front desk with false drunk confidence and asked for some bowling shoes. I felt bad for the two men working at the bowling alley on a Friday night and considered asking them to bowl with us, but decided against it since they had to keep an eye on the bowling shoes. Someone’s gotta do it. We walked to our bowling station and were ironically placed in between two large families. It was 10PM on a Friday, so we felt that our intoxication was valid and should’ve been foreseen by anyone and everyone in our path.

Photo by pandawhale.com

Photo by Panda Whale

Chris and I began bowling and I started off strong and got some strikes. I might as well have been a middle aged man with a balding head and a beer belly judging by how well I was doing. But as I continued drinking, my strikes decreased in likelihood since we were bowling without bumpers, like real adults. I had forgotten how greasy bowling lanes can be and part of my clown shoe slipped at the beginning of the lane and my feet flew out from under me. Clearly, not my fault. Before I knew it, I was on the floor and chose to sit there helplessly until Chris stopped laughing to come pick me up. This took a while; Chris was laughing so hard, I thought he was going to have a hernia. The families on each side of us glared at me and no doubt expressed internal thanks that I was not their daughter.  We continued to bowl in between spurts of drinking as my bowling skills, or lack thereof, continued to diminish.

Photo by jokideo.com

Photo by Jokideo

Chris has a lot of amazing qualities. He’s smart, funny, has a beard etc. But he has the emotional intelligence of a chimpanzee. He is repulsed by emotions and believes everyone is simply too sensitive. He says he loves that I don’t “cry all the time.” It seems as though his real soul mate could be Hannibal Lector or any other notorious serial killer. If we ever break up, he’ll have a lot of trouble dating anyone else for the rest of his life. But at least I’ll be the best girlfriend he’ll ever have, which is always my primary goal. I aim to be everyone’s favorite person.

I stumbled up to the bowling lane and threw the ball. It went immediately into the gutter as if I had been aiming for it. I walked back to Chris, defeated, and after he stopped laughing, he said:

I love you.”

I was stunned. He had never said it before and for whatever reason he chose to say it in a bowling alley with strobe lights while we were both wearing shoes that would no doubt give us the bubonic plague. I didn’t know what to say. Of course I loved him, but it seemed to be taking my brain 8 years to process what he had said. I’m sure my facial expression looked as if he had told me he took a dump on the floor. So I didn’t say anything and we continued to bowl.

By the end of the game, my score was so low, you would’ve thought he had been playing a coma patient. So I can rule out professional bowling as far as careers go. Chris went to return his shoes while I was taking mine off and he called me to meet him outside. After returning the plague shoes, I met him in the parking lot and was pleasantly surprised when I saw that he had taken his plague shoes with him. I asked him why he took the bowling shoes, seeing to the fact that we didn’t make it a habit to bowl regularly. He said he didn’t know and that he just walked out with them. I love this about Chris. He does stupid things for no reason all the time and to me, it’s adorable and hilarious. Plus now he doesn’t have to pay for bowling shoes next time we bowl.

We sat down on a curb in the bowling alley parking lot as we waited for our Uber driver to take us home. I looked at him and said:

So you love me?”

Yeah.” he said, defeated by his own feelings.

I love you too.” I said.

He seemed excited and relieved as if I had told him he didn’t have to clean the dishes that night. We continued to talk about his new 5-finger-discount habit after stealing the bowling shoes. The Uber picked us up and we went home.

It was around 1am and I asked him if he wanted me to make cookies. He said yes (he never says no to food even if he’s not hungry, but honestly I’ve never viewed being hungry as a requirement before eating food). After proceeding to severely under-cook the cookies due to intoxication and my overpowering desire to just eat the dough without it being cooked, I went to my room to give Chris one.  He wasn’t there, so I went upstairs to look for him. To my amusement, I found my 6 foot tall, drunken mess of a boyfriend laying on the floor with a toilet paper roll as his pillow. I sat down next to him eating a cookie and offered him one.

I don’t want it,” he mumbled.

But you asked me to make these. Asshole. Why are you on the floor?”

I don’t feel good,” he replied.

So I sat with him, getting cookie crumbs everywhere while he made a rather large dent with his head in my toilet paper. When he was done taking a nap on the floor, we went to bed and he reminded me that he loved me over and over and over again. And now he won’t leave me alone:

IMG_3062

 

Photo by www.oystermag.com

Photo by Oyster Mag

Becoming President Is Like Really Easy

Since Donald Trump was all “I’m running for President,” and it didn’t turn out to be a joke like I had originally thought, I decided I needed to see what the application process is like when you run for President of the United States.

trump-rich-0616

Photo by Daily News

Since I happen to be a champion googler (is that really not considered a word yet?) in two states, I found what I was looking for with ease. I googled phrases like:

How to become president of the United States

Can you run for President if you have a record

If you win the whole president thing, can you paint the white house a different color?

If you become president, do they give you a chef?

Does someone bring you breakfast in bed?

Do you get to do the grocery shopping or does someone do that for you? I prefer to grocery shop on my own.

How many bathrooms do you get?”

As you can see, I got a little off topic from what I was originally researching, but I consider all of these top notch, significant questions. On my google magic carpet ride through the inter-web, I discovered a wikihow (complete with photos) regarding how to become President. I also read the SparkNotes version and briefly reminisced about how the site got me through AP English in high school. So here’s the gist of it:

1) Be a natural born citizen.

As long as your mother birthed you in America, you’re good to go. Say thank you to your mom for birthing you. That shit’s painful and messy.

2) Be at least 35 years old.

Realistically, I’ll never be an actual adult, but if I ever were to morph into one, it would probably be at around age 35, so this rule makes sense. I feel like 35 years old is the age when you remember to buy toilet paper BEFORE you run out.

3) Live in the US for at least 14 consecutive years before running.

14 is an odd number and I’m not sure why that’s the rule. I picture a bunch of congress people picking different numbers out of Uncle Sam’s large hat at random.

Photo by funnyordie.com

Photo by Funny or Die

There you have it folks. The criteria is pretty straightforward, granted I’m sure you have to do a lot of other political shit before you run. I was expecting a lengthier list with requirements like: must have wrinkles, must be able to buy toilet paper on time or must be able to distinguish your and you’re. I assume the position can only be filled by humans although it’s not clearly stated in the wikihow. I chose not to run for President because I like keeping my weekends free and I don’t want my hair color to change so dramatically.

 

I Hate Going to the Dentist

…and it’s not just because they get entirely too close to my face. Did I invite you to my barbecue? (no) Then why are you all up in my grill?

doug-at-the-dentist-o

I’ve been having temperature sensitivity pain with one of my teeth and my go-to strategy of hoping it would go away wasn’t working. So, I made the executive decision to make an appointment with a random dentist I found online. Also, chewing on the left side of your mouth makes eating so much less enjoyable. (On the bright side, I totally lost a pound). My first mistake was not checking this man’s yelp review:

Screen Shot 2015-06-17 at 7.21.40 PM

If you got a one star review from doing YOUR JOB, that’s probably a bad sign.

I arrived five minutes early for my appointment and immediately felt uncomfortable because the office appeared to be someone’s home from the outside. I walked in apprehensively and presented myself to the receptionist. She handed me some papers to fill out while I waited. I sat down and noticed a few magazines and toys for children. I promptly filled out the paperwork and handed them to the receptionist. She was older and married; and was probably oblivious to the yelp review I just found.

Whatever

A small man with gray hair and creepy eyes walked out to greet me and asked me to follow him into a room. He was nothing short of  an oompa-loompa minus the green hair. I wish he had had green hair; it would have been a more enjoyable visit. I greeted his dental assistant and sat down in an ugly green dental chair. The equipment seemed old and outdated. I peered around the room and couldn’t help but notice the uncanny resemblance to a serial killer’s torture basement. While I waited for Patrick Bateman to pop out with an ax or chain saw, the dentist (let’s call him Eugene) made small talk with me. I told Eugene that I major in Journalism and that I currently have an internship working for a small tech-start up in NYC. I briefly explained that I was the Content and Marketing intern for the founder of an iPhone app.

Everyone’s trying to make the next app…or whatever.”

Eugene was clearly jealous that my job is more fun than his, so I ignored his condescending tone and generally arrogant demeanor.

regina-1416240771

So anyway, I got a cavity filled like three weeks ago and ever since then, my tooth has been really sensitive to cold and hot food and drinks.”

…I said, changing the subject back to why I was there in the first place. He poked around in my mouth and would continue to do this several times during the 25 minutes I was there. He asked me a few more general questions before deciding to take an x-ray. He came back while we waited for the x-ray and I asked him what he thought could be the problem.

Well worst case scenario, you’ll need a root canal.”

I nearly shit my pants. Who says ‘root canal’ that casually?

qsoO8Iv

He came back with the x-ray and spent 5 minutes looking at it before I asked if he saw anything odd. He didn’t see anything and came back to stick sharp objects in my mouth and tap the problem tooth. Eugene explained that I MIGHT need a root canal. Since he came to that conclusion so quickly, I asked why he thought this and if it could be something else. In so many words, he essentially said:

I don’t know, but you might need one.”

I felt like I knew less than I did before making this mistake of an appointment. He asked me if I wanted to see what the process of a root canal looked like with his superior-I’m-smarter-than-you-because-I-supposedly-have-a-dental-degree tone. He pulled out a picture book and explained the procedure to me, but I was too busy trying not to vomit and planning my escape.

6355193838429836451670461243_CaptainJackConfused

It could be from the filling that was put in to your tooth. So we can take that filling out, then put a different one in and see what happens. There’s no guarantee it’ll work though.”

I did not trust Eugene with a drill this early in our relationship that was quickly going downhill in my mind.

I don’t understand why the tooth in front of the one that got the filling hurts if the filling is the issue. Can you explain that to me?”

Eugene seemed puzzled when I threw this curve ball at him. I assumed he could tell the tooth that had the filling was different than the one I had pointed to. He poked around in my mouth some more and I finally decided he didn’t have a real D.D.S. Perhaps his career as a ventriloquist did not work out and he was left with dentistry. Either way, I needed to get out of this horrible office. I implied that I wanted a second opinion and got out of the chair quickly and narrowly avoiding ramming the top of my head into the light that was positioned above my face. Farewell, Eugene and may the Yelp reviews be ever in your favor (NOT).

Actual photo of me running away from Eugene.

Actual photo of me running away from Eugene.

 

The Vagina Monologues

I am not an actress. I prefer writing over most things (aside from sleeping, eating and dressing my dog up in cute outfits). The last time I remember auditioning for any sort of play was in the 8th grade. I auditioned for Beauty and the Beast and got the role of the semi-slutty feather duster with a french accent. It was a fun experience, but not one that I think about often. Recently, I saw that my school was having auditions for a play called the Vagina Monologues. Keep in mind that I have not actually ever seen the play in its entirety. I took a wild guess that it was about vaginas and I think vaginas are super cool. After all, that’s most likely how you came into existence, unless the stork played a large role in your birth and Santa still brings you presents. I was feeling particularly spontaneous one night and needed some good material for my blog since I’ve been MIA for most of the semester. (Once again, if anyone wants to pay me to write these posts, I will gladly drop out of college. The offer will stand until I graduate. And maybe after that.) I walked into the auditions similar to the way I imagine a man in a business suit walks into a strip club: excited, confused and ready to see vaginas.

tumblr_inline_mkw0trzIWl1qz4rgp

I was number 56 – though I did envision myself being number 69 since I thought that would be fitting. I sat down to fill out a questionnaire and choose the monologue I would be auditioning with. The first few questions were basic: name, email, etc. Then it asked if I had any acting experience. I figured being a tour guide would help me a little more than putting ‘none whatsoever,’ so I talked about how I was comfortable in front of decently large audiences. The following two questions were ones that I had never asked myself: 1) If your vagina could talk, what would it say in three words? 2) If your vagina got dressed, what would it wear?

Why had I never thought about this before? Clearly she has feelings too. For the first question I answered:

I love tati.

For the second question I answered:

A crown, FOR SHE IS QUEEN

tumblr_m21uzwwaBT1roifm2o2_r1_500

For the following hour, I rehearsed my monologue (like a goddamn pro). There were three monologues to choose from. The first one was half serious/half funny, the second one was all funny and the third was all serious. Knowing myself, I knew I would royally fuck up anything that was meant to be serious. I decided to go with the funny one. It was about a female sex worker/dominatrix who only dominated other women. She was someone I could see myself going to Starbucks with occasionally and I liked that about her.

tumblr_mtjy6kJ5YJ1qz581wo1_500

I awkwardly walked into the classroom and was greeted by four directors. They were all super friendly and told me I could begin whenever I felt comfortable. Comfortable was a strong word to use in this particular situation. I knew if I didn’t mentally yell at myself to start the first line, it would never happen:

I love vaginas.

After I got the first line out, the rest was easy to recite. The whole audition itself is a blur, but I know for a fact that I looked into each of the directors’ eyes and made a noticeable hand job motion when I was forced to use the word ‘dildo.’ I felt like this was the best way to make a lasting impression.

And it worked. I have now been cast in the vagina monologues as woman #3. *Drops mic and walks out.*

giphy

How to Trap a Guy in 10 Ways

Alllllll the single ladies: In honor of Valentine’s Day, I’ve compiled a ‘Cosmo-esque’ list of sure-fire ways to trap the guy you’re ‘kind of seeing’ and make him your official boyfriend and/or husband depending on how ambitious you are. You’re welcome.

10) “Of course I want to play Mario Cart with you!”

the-best

In order to pull this off effectively, you should probably learn how to play the actual game or any video game really. He won’t be able to resist your shared love of video games. This will also ensure that he will spend more time with you since this is what he does when you leave.

9) “Rooting for your fantasy football team babe”

giphy-2

You don’t have to know the names of anyone on the actual team. However if you want to go the extra mile, learn how fantasy football works and throw some terms around every once and a while: “show that wide receiver whose boss!” “Nice auction draft.” He will appreciate your support in this extremely important imaginary game.

8) “Three some? Count me in!”

giphy-1

You’re probably in college and it’s time to experiment anyway. What could be a better Valentine’s Day surprise than adding another equally or less attractive female to the mix?

7) “I organized your snapback collection.”

tumblr_mewtdaPzWe1r9alaeo1_500

Boys don’t know how to arrange shit. That’s where you come in and organize your future man’s super cool snapback hat collection. Feel free to arrange by color, logo and/or according to D-bag level (scaled from 1-10).

6) “Beer is my favorite drink too”

Classy-Nina-Dobrev-Drinking-Some-Beer-Smiling-At-a-Bar

Beer is one of the keys to a man’s heart. There are only like two other keys, so take this one seriously. Sip it slowly and when he’s not looking, throw back the vodka shots you’ve been hiding in your purse.

5) “Please tell me about your gym routine”

giphy

Nod and smile. Look impressed. Nod and smile.

4) “I picked up this playboy magazine by accident at the store. Did you want it?”

got-game-of-thrones-30971723-500-250

He will be too excited to notice that you said you ‘accidentally’ picked up borderline porn. He will not care how you acquired the magazine. However, he will think of you as that really cool girl who got him porn. Also, another great Valentine’s Day gift.

3) “Yes, you should definitely get a motorcycle.”

tumblr_mjb1fxzs9l1qdvxb9o1_500

Motorcycles are actually very expensive and require a lot of effort to maintain, so he will most likely never get one. Agree to ride it and fantasize about it with him. He will appreciate the support.

2) “What a cool tribal tattoo!”

tumblr_m6t3q9xbG41rz6f0wo1_500

Whatever you do, do not ask what tribe he is from. You will surely confuse him and ruin the plan! You must compliment the tattoos, even if they make no sense to you or anyone else for that matter.

1) “Your haircut looks really good.”

Hot-gir-reaction-gif

There is a formally written rule somewhere in the boy code handbook that states: “you must cut your hair 3 inches too short each time you get your hair cut.” Go along with it. It’ll grow to a nice length in like two weeks and then history will repeat itself and they’ll do it again and again. This is something you will need to get used to.

Having Fun with Google

Although this isn’t something that bothers me regularly, I have always had a fear of someone viewing my internet history. It’s usually comprised of highly idiotic google searches (i.e. do dolphins have nostrils? or can I mix benodryl with vodka?) But sometimes I search things that would make me look criminally insane if seen out of context or without an explanation. So to address my fear and for your entertainment, I have decided to explain my internet history and google searches from earlier this week:

“Shia LaBeouf” Life – Rob Cantor

This video is actually hysterical and I highly recommend watching it. I was trying to show it to my sister. She didn’t end up understanding why I thought it was funny. She’s clearly not as funny as I think I am.

Screen_Shot_2014-11-05_at_3.35.06_PM.png

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o0u4M6vppCI

Putting Butter in Your Coffee

I searched this because I was at my friend’s house and he was making coffee. He was all “taste this.” I tasted it and it tasted different than normal coffee, but I didn’t think anything of it. Then he asked me if I liked it and I said yes. I was skeptical of his facial expression so I asked what he put in it and he told me he added butter instead of creamer or milk, so I searched it on google to see if this was his idea or if it was already a thing in the real world. It’s a thing. A disgusting sounding thing.

post-26182-kristin-wiig-disgusted-animate-hTu2

Plaid Skirt

I have no idea why I searched this. I don’t even want a plaid skirt.

whatkindofgirl

Karen Kilgariff

I went to a comedy show when I was in Los Angeles for Winter Break and she was one of the comedians. SHE’S HILARIOUS. I was trying to find her twitter and located it successfully. Cha – Ching!

karen_featured_photo_gallery

How does Stephen Hawking have sex?

My mom and I had just finished watching “The Theory of Everything.” She wondered aloud how he and his wife had sex (since they popped out like 8 kids), so I googled it. Not going to spoil this one for you.

canigetpregnantfromthis

‘Friends’ Theme Song Lyrics

I have been watching ‘Friends’ religiously and whenever I would sing along to the theme song, there was always one line that I couldn’t understand. It was the line that says “Your job’s a joke, you’re broke, your love life’s DOA.” I didn’t understand the DOA part, so I had been making up different words that sounded similar to DOA until I googled the lyrics. That’s how I learned that DOA stands for Dead on Arrival — which, by the way, is not a good adjective for your love life. (but happy almost valentine’s day)

tumblr_nighplmBtC1tiy2sbo1_500

Is Benadryl Stronger Than Nyquil 

I got sick and was trying to find a drug that would knock me out for 8 hours straight since I kept waking up not being able to breathe in the middle of the night. Benadryl is the way to go.

26

Utero 

I wanted to tweet “I’m not fat, I ate my twin in utero.” But I kept spelling it ‘eutero’ and didn’t understand why my phone said I was spelling it wrong. Now I understand, but my IQ is just as low as it was before I learned that.

giphy-2

Caviar

I was trying to order sushi and the menu said the ‘crazy roll’ had caviar on it, but for some reason I kept picturing calamari and didn’t fully comprehend how that would fit into the sushi roll that I wanted. Caviar are those little orange balls that don’t taste like anything. They put them on top of sushi to make it look pretty (I assume). I’m not sure what the point of caviar is. I guess I’ll google it later.

P.S. I’m considering dropping out of school to be a sushi chef. That way, I won’t have to wait 45 minutes for someone to bring it to me.

sushii

what bitch? I’m ready.

Nixer Mixers: The Top 10 Drinking Dangers

I stumbled upon this article because I was trying to determine if it would be a poor choice to mix alcohol with Sudafed (I had a cold. But that generally doesn’t prevent me from attending parties). Just so you know, you totally can and nothing bad will happen. However, you’re only allowed to buy a certain amount at a time since you can go all Walter White and make meth with it.

82509-Walter-White-Jesse-Pinkman-yel-pGds

Jennifer Anniston’s Workout

I was watching ‘Friends’ again and trying to figure out how to get my arms to look like Jennifer Anniston’s. Her bod is perfection.

large

Street Names of Cocaine

Let’s get something straight – I don’t associate with drugs of any kind. However, since I’m in college, I figured it would be helpful to know the street names of common collegiate drugs. Here are some of the code names for cocaine: Nose Candy, Snow, White Pony, Crack (which isn’t very conspicuous if you ask me).

tumblr_n2c4qa96vf1r72p6mo1_500

Calories in Fried Oreo

I ate three fried oreos last night and was trying to figure out if I had to go to the gym or not. I didn’t end up going to the gym, but it was well over 300 calories that went straight to my thighs.

giphy-1

Tune in next time to read about my google searches regarding valentine’s day drinking games! ❤

Protesting Against Stupid People Who Get to be on TV

Surprise, surprise I haven’t been keeping up with any of my New Years Resolutions. Partly because I’ve temporarily misplaced the notebook that I wrote them in, but let’s be honest with myself…New Years Resolutions are there to remind you of how skinny you’re supposed to be.

But I’m here like:

200_s

My mom tried to tell me that the scale we have adds 10 pounds to your actual weight. I almost got excited and then she added “Well that’s what I tell myself anyway.” She’s self aware and delusional at the same time. But I don’t hold it against her because that’s how I approach dating. “He hasn’t called because he’s intimidated by how funny and awesome I am. Clearly.”

Im-kind-of-a-big-deal

So while I was sitting on my ass (which is growing exponentially as the days go by) yesterday, I was watching “My Strange Addiction.” It’s one of those horrendous television shows on TLC that follows people with *gasp* strange addictions. I managed to squeeze in 4 or 5 episodes before I started to feel my IQ plummeting. I thought it was interesting that the show mainly featured women. Like why aren’t more men addicted to smelling moth balls? They were addicted to eating things like gasoline, cat treats, tire parts, and vapor rub. It really made me wonder how you begin an addiction like that. How does one discover that they enjoy drinking GASOLINE? The girl who drank gasoline was a 20 year old brunette whose face consistently mirrored the expression of a disinterested turtle. Even her crying face was super stoic and basically read ‘This intervention is yawn inducing. Where’s my gasoline bottle?’ She explained that she began her potentially fatal habit because she ‘always liked the smell of it.’ So one day she said to herself ‘well if it smells good, it must also taste good.’ I wonder what would happen if I applied the same logic and tried to eat humans that I thought smelled nice. Perhaps I could be featured on the show. I love both crazy and stupid people, but I would really prefer that they weren’t featured on television as often. As a form of protest, I have compiled a list of shows that should have never made it on TV:

My Strange Addiction (‘Watch Me Eat Weird Shit’)

Keeping Up with the Kardashians (also known as ‘First World Problems’ and ‘I Made a Really Good Sex Tape’)

The Honey Boo Boo Show (with the chubby people)

Jersey Shore (‘Orange People that Drink and Go to the Gym’)

Real World (‘Girls Making Out with Other Girls Occasionally’)

16 and Pregnant (‘They Don’t Have Condoms in the Midwest’)

Toddlers in Tiaras (‘The Opposite of Child Protective Services’)

I didn’t include My 600 Pound Life because I like watching it and it gives me a warm fuzzy feeling inside regarding my own weight. Also, it works as an appetite suppressant. Feel free to add to the list!

635498637932105913-1622477129_large