It’s hard to hit on people. I get it – even as a girl I understand it’s hard to muster up the courage to go up to a stranger and start alluding to the fact that you’d love to sleep with them if they gave you the opportunity. However, there are certain places where you should probably hang onto that bravery for a rainy day or for when you’re ordering anything from Taco Bell. Recently a stranger reached out to me via Facebook messenger to tell me: “I’m sorry I saw you on Facebook and you’re so stunning I couldn’t help but write you a poem! I hope you’ll excuse my forwardness.” He then proceeded to send what felt like 4 pages of poetry. This is actually the second time a boy I’ve never met reached out on Facebook to send me poetry. I’m not sure what about my prof pic screams ‘PLEASE SEND POETRY’ but it’s a wasted effort. I kind of hate poetry, but I can appreciate it when it’s not directed at me.
Additionally, a few weeks back, a person who is kind of a ‘hallway acquaintance’ – meaning, you see them in a high school hallway often enough to wave but don’t ever actually say anything to them – tried his luck with me via LinkedIn with a message that read: “Congrats on the new job. (never flirted on LinkedIn before).” So glad to have been his first!
Honestly, I wish someone would hit on me via Venmo. That would be acceptable. “Hey there! You’re so pretty and skinny. Here’s 20 bucks. Lunch is on me today.” I could buy 15 tops at H&M with that.
ANYWAY – to those of you that struggle with the existential “TO HIT ON OR NOT TO HIT ON?” question, maybe this super official list of bullet points and categories will be helpful when you’re deciding whether or not to hit on that barista you keep ‘running into’ at Starbucks.
Frowned upon times/places to hit on people
- Police stations
- Sex addicts anonymous meeting
- In the midst of a fender bender
- Job interviews
- Family reunions (unless you’re Daenerys Targaryen and Aegon Targaryen *previously Jon Snow*)
- Gynecology office
- In a group chat
- At an intervention
Acceptable times/places to hit on people
- A bar
- Bowling alleys (BUT NOT REGULAR ALLEYS)
- Grocery stores
- Send money though
- A party
- A concert or Coachella
- Pretty much anywhere people gather to listen to loud music and do drugs
- Dog parks
- Instagram DMs – I’ve been told this is the way of the future in terms of dating
- Liquor stores
I feel like these are just based on personal preferences, and I’d be more than willing to discuss them in depth with anyone who has a ridiculous amount of time on their hands like I do.
- The gym
- I don’t like it, but I’m aware a lot of relationships begin with common interests like lifting up heavy things and putting them down repeatedly
- Gas stations
- Jim proposed to Pam outside of a gas station, so it’s probably fine
- I don’t go to church so I’m not 100% sure about this one
- The DMV