My Idea of Poetry

I always go through other people’s stuff if the opportunity presents itself. Today was more fun than usual because I was going through my own stuff and I found a poem I wrote my first year of college for my creative writing class. It’s about dating and I completely made it up the night before I was supposed to read it in class. Disclaimer – this never happened to me (yet) Here it is in all its glory:

Blind Date

We sat down at the unoriginal Chinese restaurant

And I analyzed his appearance.

I was Picasso and he was a shitty painting.

I saw everything that needed to be fixed.

His brown hair was too short, but that would grow.

His nose was too narrow, but his blue eyes made up for that.

His head seemed a bit big for his body, but once we

Were married, I would make him go to the gym.

I thought I could get past his physical appearance,

But once he began to speak, I saw that his ultimate

Downfall was everything that came out of his mouth;

Including the occasional piece of rice.

By the time dessert came, I could hear his pants

Beginning to unbutton. He had consumed the

Amount of food necessary to feed a baby elephant.

But baby elephants are cute.

My mind was drifting toward laundry and world peace

When something he said captured my diminishing attention.

C.E.O.

It felt like a combination of eating cake and having sex.

Our kids would be decent looking and I would get to quit

My job. I looked at his round belly and his uneven beard.

Baby elephants are cute.

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I also vaguely remember writing a poem personifying vodka, so I’ll try to dig up that one soon.

Check Out My Article

Happy Friday fellow bloggers! I wrote this article for some college website and I get paid based on how many views it gets so a) you should read it because it’s kind of funny and b) you should read it because I get money and you like me remember?

Here it is in all its glory: http://www.greekrank.com/6-people-run-into-college-party/

Feel free to give me constructive criticism. Just know that I will hunt you down and annoy you for the rest of your life if your criticism hurts my feelings. Jk write whatever you want. But you’ve been warned.

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Sorry for Being a D-bag

I have been so terrible for not posting in like over 10 days, but finals are swallowing me whole. Like a shark. I’m getting swallowed alive by a shark and have to live in the shark’s belly for about 7 more days until I can start posting regularly again. Please forgive me. I promise to write another poem for you all. I created this wine-induced poem in my head about my unnatural affection toward my ugg boots that I will share with you after my finals are over. Until then, here is this amazing (more amazing if you’ve watched all 5 seasons of Breaking Bad) gif:

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First Follower to Bring Me Food Gets…

Nothing. You should bring me edible things out of the kindness of your heart. Specifically this pizza. Or you can donate to the Tati-Wants-A-Pizza Foundation. All donations are welcome and every Tati is guaranteed a pizza since there’s only one of us. Think of me next time you go grocery shopping!

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Motivational Monday

“Our greatest weakness lies in giving up. The most certain way to succeed is always to try just one more time.” – Thomas Edison

My greatest weakness seems to be GETTING up. The most certain way to succeed is to stay in bed a little bit longer and try one more time after the 15th ring of your alarm clock.

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Here’s how my Monday is going so far:

I took a freezing cold shower because, evidently, the water in the shower pipes has to run through Antarctica first before getting to me. After receiving frost bite on my entire body, I walked into my Personal Finance class a few minutes late just to be yelled at by a GUEST lecturer/speaker. My real professor did not even come to class. Maybe she was taking a WARM SHOWER. Anyway, after this man called on random students to answer his philosophical and meaningless questions regarding the world of money, he would scream WRONG every time a student did not answer correctly. When it was my turn to be called on, I strongly considered replying with “Lo siento. No hablo ingles,” which I am pretty certain means “I’m sorry, I don’t speak English,” in spanish. However, I quickly figured out that this would immediately back fire since I was in an all english speaking class and it would have been very hard for me to learn Personal Finance in english if I did not speak english. The question directed at me was “What is the value of money?” Again, in this short amount of time, I considered replying with “However much I get to spend at Starbucks.” And yet again, I quickly figured this would be a poor choice and would enable him to pick on me for the rest of the class. So, I simply replied “I don’t know.” This way, he couldn’t scream WRONG and I would not have to directly deal with his condescending tone and generally annoying demeanor. This strategy worked well and he did not call on me for the duration of the period. Lastly, right before I wrote this post, I went to Starbucks because I was disoriented from my cold shower and this 72 year old man talking to me like I was his disobedient granddaughter. In retrospect, I should have known not to stray too far from my usual drink, but since it was raining, I decided to get a hot drink that I basically made up. I ordered a chai tea latte with 3 shots of espresso and they forgot to add in the most important part of the whole goddamn drink: the espresso. Moral of the story is that I’m going to have to go back to Starbucks later and order another 3 shots of espresso.

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