The time I kind of got recruited to be a stripper

I’ve always been intrigued by strip clubs. I think they get a controversial reputation, but there are probably bigger issues in the world that people can put their energy into. Strippers have always seemed so alluring and fun to me. It blows my uncoordinated mind that they can DANCE in heels and hop on and off the stage, all while pretending to pay attention to dudes!

The first time I went to a strip club, I was with my boyfriend, Lenny, his friend, and one of my girlfriends, Alex. Whenever Lenny gets too drunk, he insists on going to the nearest strip club to give his money away like it’s on fire. We ended up going to a charming place called “The Body Shop,” one night in December. Lenny and his friend walked in ahead of us to get cash out of the ATM.

I walked up to a half bald, heavy-set man behind what looked like a ticketing booth. A transparent screen separated the two of us. There was a half-moon shaped hole at the bottom of it where I put my arm to be stamped. I was jittering with nervous excitement. He looked at me, held my wrist and started asking questions while attempting to twirl me around. “Do you dance?” he asked excitedly. “No, but I used to play tennis,” I responded while slowly completing the twirl and trying to untangle my hand from his. “You should dance! Here!” he suggested. I was super flattered immediately and was ready for my new career, but Alex was having none of it. She made him stamp our hands and ushered us into the main stripper room while he shouted “You both get in for free next time!” after us. A charming new boss I had. 

Alex and I walked in. She looked horrified and I probably looked like I was getting ready to meet Santa Claus. I was fascinated by the mysterious and glamorous life of a stripper and desperately wanted to talk to one. We walked in further to see a big platform that was shaped like a lazy river, wide and long (that’s what she said). Two pretty girls in neon bikinis and platform heels approached our table, and one started to touch my back. They give massages here?! This was the place TO BE! They chatted us up a bit and walked away after we gave them a few dollars for being pretty and standing near us. 

I stood up to go to the bathroom and realized my dress had been unzipped in the back. Even the strippers were in on trying to recruit me! They wanted Thotiana, not Tatianna, and they were making it loud and clear. Alex and I walked in and realized that this was also the strippers’ bathroom. I started chatting up one of them while I waited for Alex. She told me she was from Vegas and had dreams of becoming a pediatrician. Big boobs AND a big heart. 

When we walked back, the guys had moved toward the front of the stage for prime views into a blonde stripper’s uterus. She was a really good dancer and was also completely nude except for her heels. A few minutes later, another stripper came by and politely asked to dance on Lenny. I agreed and tried not to stare. I didn’t mind it, but it felt like I was watching him do something private so I wanted to give them their space. I turned to Lenny’s friend who was answering all of Alex’s questions about why guys enjoy strip clubs. I didn’t hear the answer, but I already knew the answer. This is the only place where a guy gets to feel like a girl with all the attention they get. And if you’re anything like me, attention is oxygen, and at strip clubs, you get NAKED ATTENTION. I threw some dollar bills on stage and cheered for the two girls gyrating on each other. It was a peaceful experience, and I hope the stripper from the bathroom gets to medical school so I can take her job.

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