My text messages taken out of context

Here are some texts I’ve either received or sent within the last few weeks in no particular order:

It’s ok, I was just taking out the garbage and it got me thinking about you

Sorry I was helping my parents clean out our garage and got way too amused with a horse head

I wish I was Steve Harvey

All the strippers will be like “damn look at that pattern”

Then they’ll have to call me the super soaker

What kind of questionable porn are you watching

*Writes down* “murder not good”

I think I need to make my terrible qualities a little bit more terrible

I think I’m just gonna quit everything and play ukulele

I know, my earlobes even piss me off

*Begins nerf gun battle to the death*


But he hurt my feelings, so I needed to destroy him from the inside

I’m a born again virgin 

My real goal is to find a 45-year-old milf on a weekend vacation with the girls

I bought a breathalyzer 

I made out with her and left the bar and she’s like ‘you’re not coming home with me.’ No. I’m going to get a Nutella Crepe. 

I would lose a baby if given the opportunity

Until I accidentally kill your family or something 

Thanks to my friend Ryan who helped me dig through our texts to find some outrageous gems.

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