I’m sorry I haven’t blogged in a while, but let’s talk about being rich enough to buy Facebook (I’m not sure if that’s true, I’m just guessing)
Realistically, I’m certain that 99.9% of all humans would love to be rich. The .1% is reserved for the people who claim they would give most of it away to charity. Humble little shits. Ok I was kidding, calm down. Anyway, who doesn’t want to go to the mall and not have to say no to those $500 pair of jeans? And what about all the extra condiments that you can order with your food? Everyone wants extra condiments. After careful consideration, I have compiled a list of things I would do if I had won the Powerball (even though I didn’t buy a ticket due to lack of funding). Warning: almost none of it is considered charitable. It’s definitely charitable toward me though.
1) Pay Amy Schumer to be my best friend
The reasoning behind this doesn’t take too much explaining, but the approach does. At first I would offer her a hefty sum to be my friend, and then slowly pay her less and less until she realizes she loves my personality and wants to be my best friend for free.
2) Buy my own television show
I would need to purchase the whole network so I could say whatever I want on my show, like Oprah. But let’s be honest, it’s just so I would be able to say the word ‘shit’ regularly.
3) Purchase a Trader Joe’s
Not only is Trader Joe’s my favorite grocery store, it also is located 5 minutes from my house. And I’m not sure if any of you have ever tried cookie butter, but it’s probably better than that time Channing Tatum put on a wig and danced to Beyonce’s “Run the World.”
4) Start my own wine company with cool ass labels
Labels include “Hope your wedding night is as hot as George and Amal Clooney” and “Black out or back out.”
5) Hire a chef
…And naturally, I will hire a personal trainer shortly after.
6) A THRONE
Once wealthiest beyond my wildest dreams, I would need something to remind everyone that walks into my bajillion dollar mansion. Hopefully the thrown comes with a crown as well.
7) Buy Victoria’s Secret
…to find out what the goddamn secret is.