Becoming President Is Like Really Easy

Since Donald Trump was all “I’m running for President,” and it didn’t turn out to be a joke like I had originally thought, I decided I needed to see what the application process is like when you run for President of the United States.


Photo by Daily News

Since I happen to be a champion googler (is that really not considered a word yet?) in two states, I found what I was looking for with ease. I googled phrases like:

How to become president of the United States

Can you run for President if you have a record

If you win the whole president thing, can you paint the white house a different color?

If you become president, do they give you a chef?

Does someone bring you breakfast in bed?

Do you get to do the grocery shopping or does someone do that for you? I prefer to grocery shop on my own.

How many bathrooms do you get?”

As you can see, I got a little off topic from what I was originally researching, but I consider all of these top notch, significant questions. On my google magic carpet ride through the inter-web, I discovered a wikihow (complete with photos) regarding how to become President. I also read the SparkNotes version and briefly reminisced about how the site got me through AP English in high school. So here’s the gist of it:

1) Be a natural born citizen.

As long as your mother birthed you in America, you’re good to go. Say thank you to your mom for birthing you. That shit’s painful and messy.

2) Be at least 35 years old.

Realistically, I’ll never be an actual adult, but if I ever were to morph into one, it would probably be at around age 35, so this rule makes sense. I feel like 35 years old is the age when you remember to buy toilet paper BEFORE you run out.

3) Live in the US for at least 14 consecutive years before running.

14 is an odd number and I’m not sure why that’s the rule. I picture a bunch of congress people picking different numbers out of Uncle Sam’s large hat at random.

Photo by

Photo by Funny or Die

There you have it folks. The criteria is pretty straightforward, granted I’m sure you have to do a lot of other political shit before you run. I was expecting a lengthier list with requirements like: must have wrinkles, must be able to buy toilet paper on time or must be able to distinguish your and you’re. I assume the position can only be filled by humans although it’s not clearly stated in the wikihow. I chose not to run for President because I like keeping my weekends free and I don’t want my hair color to change so dramatically.


27 thoughts on “Becoming President Is Like Really Easy

  1. Very funny~ I’m excited to see more! This reminds me of a column my editor wrote awhile back, pretty much saying the same thing – it’s way too easy to run for president

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I’m finally 35, so I’m planning to also run for president next year. I have no money for this venture, but I think I’ll win the hearts of the American public by sticking only to speeches used by movie presidents throughout history.

    Also, I’m sure Googler is a word, you just have to capitalize it. I’m Aaron Peck and I approve this message.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Now that you bring it up, I don’t remember reading anything that says the position has to be filled by a human. By a creature who got born, yes. And one with a lifespan of at least 35 years. Very interesting possibilities here.

    Liked by 1 person

      • That’d work. I seem to remember a city in South America (I know–there are a lot of them; I heard this a long time ago and the memory’s gone a little hazy) elected a rhino as mayor. Presumably they figured it’d do less damage than anyone else on the ballot. Whether she or he got a chef as part of the deal I don’t know.

        Liked by 1 person

  4. This is great. I’m happy to find out that money and a law degree are optional. Those two might have sunk my soon to be announced candidacy. However, I don’t think I want to jump into the Republican fray, as that field is way too crowded. And if I go in as a Democrat I’m sure to lose to Hillary, and I don’t want to lose to her until later. There is always Libertarian, green, and tea parties I suppose. On second thought, I’m going to run as an evil genius bent on world domination. I guess I’m now in the market to lease a hollowed out volcano as my hidden lair. ;o)

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Just a clarification on the fourteen years before running: they don’t have to be the years just before running. Taft was living in the Philippines (as Governor-General) before running for President, and Hoover was in Europe (where he made his name saving the starving of World War I) before becoming President.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Your writing is funny and very human. I started acting like a grownup, meaning taking care of my own baby, when I was 40. Twenty-some years later, I still say I am not an adult and refuse to be one; they are annoying people.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Pingback: politics101 | Riddle from the Middle

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