Since Donald Trump was all “I’m running for President,” and it didn’t turn out to be a joke like I had originally thought, I decided I needed to see what the application process is like when you run for President of the United States.
Since I happen to be a champion googler (is that really not considered a word yet?) in two states, I found what I was looking for with ease. I googled phrases like:
How to become president of the United States
Can you run for President if you have a record
If you win the whole president thing, can you paint the white house a different color?
If you become president, do they give you a chef?
Does someone bring you breakfast in bed?
Do you get to do the grocery shopping or does someone do that for you? I prefer to grocery shop on my own.
How many bathrooms do you get?”
As you can see, I got a little off topic from what I was originally researching, but I consider all of these top notch, significant questions. On my google magic carpet ride through the inter-web, I discovered a wikihow (complete with photos) regarding how to become President. I also read the SparkNotes version and briefly reminisced about how the site got me through AP English in high school. So here’s the gist of it:
1) Be a natural born citizen.
As long as your mother birthed you in America, you’re good to go. Say thank you to your mom for birthing you. That shit’s painful and messy.
2) Be at least 35 years old.
Realistically, I’ll never be an actual adult, but if I ever were to morph into one, it would probably be at around age 35, so this rule makes sense. I feel like 35 years old is the age when you remember to buy toilet paper BEFORE you run out.
3) Live in the US for at least 14 consecutive years before running.
14 is an odd number and I’m not sure why that’s the rule. I picture a bunch of congress people picking different numbers out of Uncle Sam’s large hat at random.
There you have it folks. The criteria is pretty straightforward, granted I’m sure you have to do a lot of other political shit before you run. I was expecting a lengthier list with requirements like: must have wrinkles, must be able to buy toilet paper on time or must be able to distinguish your and you’re. I assume the position can only be filled by humans although it’s not clearly stated in the wikihow. I chose not to run for President because I like keeping my weekends free and I don’t want my hair color to change so dramatically.