You’re Welcome in Advance

To say my family is unconventional is a tremendous understatement. It’s kind of like saying  Angelina Jolie is “cute.” We are extremely unconventional. OR conventionally challenged. To me, conventional means having the white picket fence, mom, dad, kids, dog, butler and MAYBE chef. This family is the epitome of the proper American family. They hang out all the time and their biggest problem is that their dog still shits in the house and refuses to be potty trained. My parents separated when I was 3, but had never been married (I was kind of the best unplanned accident that ever happened to them). I’m extremely close with my mom and she tells me everything. Recently, she has decided she should put herself out there and start dating more. She’s beautiful, smart and hilarious. However, she is difficult to date and seems to attract a lot of odd/entertaining men, which is fine because now I can blog about more shit that I think is funny.

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She has been using OK Cupid and Tinder for the most part because they’re easy and more people are on them. I think those two are the easiest to navigate because when I was like 15 I thought it would be funny to make an E-Harmony profile, but I failed to realize their questionnaire is as long and complicated as the Bible. So there is a half assed, half filled out E-Harmony profile somewhere out there with my fake name on it. OK Cupid and Tinder are much easier, so she uses those. She has not actually gone out with anyone yet, but she has been texting this funny 45 year old man named Jeff. I asked to see his profile and most of his pictures consist of him either fully naked or half naked in various places around the world. Don’t worry, he covers up his man parts, but that doesn’t ease the shock and mild confusion of seeing any 45 year old man naked. I find this brave on his part because these pictures serve to elicit laughter, however, the idea of anyone laughing at me while I’m naked makes me want to wear every sweater I’ve ever seen. Kudos to you Jeff.

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I took my mom’s phone while she was driving and continued the conversation she was having with Jeff. I introduced myself and he told me about his pursuit of my mother. I encouraged him to pursue her, but first I needed a favor from him. Since, I am constantly looking for new and creative ways to market my blog to people because I’m needy and require a lot of attention (and for feedback from different kinds of people), I texted him “Follow my blog or we can’t be friends.” He followed my blog.

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So for those of you who are in similar situations and are trying to get more followers, don’t forget to steal your mom’s phone and ask strangers who are trying to date her to follow your blog. Worked like a charm!

5 thoughts on “You’re Welcome in Advance

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