So I spent Thanksgiving with my super entertaining grandparents who are in their late 60s and live in New Jersey in the middle of nowhere on a lagoon. My grandma is one of those people who kind of talks in a seemingly endless stream of consciousness, which is only interesting to me for the first few minutes of the car ride. Anyway, she is very into astrology and believes she can use it to tell the future to a certain extent. For those of you who aren’t in the loop about astrology a.k.a science for crazy people (not to be confused with scientology. I mostly just feel bad for scientologists. I won’t get into that right now for fear of offending people I deem nutty). Astrology is based off your horoscope. For example, I’m a Pisces and someone made up all sorts of personality traits and characteristics that people with certain signs tend to have. One of the reasons I think it’s a load of shit is because my sign says I’m shy. I AM NOT SHY BITCHES.
Moving on. Essentially, everyone has their own astrological chart and it can be found on this database that my grandma has access to. I have no idea how this began or how she got into it. I can only assume it began with a mormon knocking on her door or a piece of mail that should have been disregarded entirely. So, we ordered a pizza and I asked her to read my astrology chart and tell me if anything cool and amazing is going to happen to me AND if I’m ever going to have my own personal chef at some point because that is very important to me. She began by telling me that I would have three husbands in the span of 12 years. First of all, I’m 19 and marriage does not sound appealing to me at all, so the fact that I am supposedly going to make this mistake three times sounds ludicrous to me. I couldn’t help thinking that she could be making it all up since the chart looks like gibberish to me and I can’t read it. It took all of my will power not to ask: “Grandma, are you bullshitting me right now?” But I stayed quiet because I needed to know if I was going to have a chef and children. And she doesn’t like it when I curse.
She also mentioned that I will reach the the height of my career (which will have something to do with humor according to her) in about 6 years. I will also have three children. A chef was not mentioned.
Here’s how I interpreted the gist of what she said: “You’re going to be a stand up comedian divorcee with a drinking problem, three kids, and will receive some kind of award when you’re about 25.”
Somehow, this all sounds fine and dandy to me. You’re the best grandma!